Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
I’ve been asked many questions in recent days. “What the heck are you doing? Why did you leave your job? What are you going to do now? How are you going to make this work financially? When are you going to start looking for another job?…” All of the questions are well-meaning. I can’t help but wonder though, is there a deeper meaning behind them? Is there a subtle judgement laced behind some of the questions? It’s okay. I’m asking myself some of the same questions.
There is a judgmental voice within that I’ve been trying to quiet for much of my life. It continues to rear it’s ugly head and did so with gusto last week on my 40th birthday. The questions and doubt were swimming around me… “you’re pathetic. unemployed and 40. You have nothing to show for yourself. Your accomplishments are null and void.” I can be pretty vile at times and with the advent of my 40th birthday I turned on myself.
When I take a step back though, and give myself just a little bit of room to breathe, I can see a light. A clearing. It’s still a bit hazy but I can see that I took this leap of faith for one of the most dignified reasons there is. I decided to leave my full-time job and insert a pause in my career for the sake of my family and my mental health. The last 3 years, since fall 2018 have been some of the most magical. And yet, at the same time, I’ve experienced some of the most challenging feats of my short life, trying to juggle what some say is “having it all.” A young marriage, buying a new home, the birth of our daughter. When I peel back the layers though, it’s been a much more nuanced journey.
From navigating the fertility process as a same-sex couple, a high-risk pregnancy, the mental toll we’ve all endured through the pandemic, the birth of our daughter in July 2020, a rippling postpartum anxiety and depression, the transition back to work over the last year, juggling a full time job and motherhood and what I am realizing now has been a slowly simmering state of Burnout.
I don’t think I’m unique. I know there are millions of other new moms (dads and caregivers) who are trying to navigate this balancing act. With this blog, I am hoping to document and reflect on the meaning behind taking a step back from the 9-5 grind while trying to raise a young child and preserve a family that has been tested through the waves of a pandemic. I realize I am fortunate to be able to take this leap of faith. Most women (and new parents) in my situation are not able to leave their jobs.
I hope that in taking this pause to be home with my young daughter and heal from what I’m realizing are years of running on empty, I can provide a glimpse into the benefits of slowing down. I will share stories, small moments, reflections on the past months and years leading up to today and will not be afraid to ask some hard questions of myself.
I invite you to join me on this journey, keep me company and let me know what you’re thinking. Let’s explore the art of taking a pause…
Taking a Pause at 40 